This is how it opens:
Dear Incoming Freshmen:
Welcome to college. This is an exciting and possibly anxious time for you. You want to do well. Fortunately for you I have many years of experience observing people such as yourselves, and I’ve been able to identify the single greatest threat to your academic success and overall happiness, health, and well-being:
Your cell phone.
You may see this device as the opposite, as your lifeblood, your connection to the world around you, but the reality is that it’s trying to destroy you.
Let me count the ways.
I want to have a version of this printed up–poster-sized–to be hung in classes around the school. You know, just above the phone number for security (you know, the signs that Faculty Council requested two years ago). Sigh. I guess I’ll have to print my own.